What?

Two preliminaries:  1 - I know it's been forever since I've posted.  My B (I know, Street School students, B doesn't count as an auditory legit abbreviation because it's the same amount of syllables as Bad, but I will use it as long as I'm breathing).  I guess going back to school and taking care of my kids and my friends' son have kept me busy.  Stop hatin.  Here I am now.  2 - This goes out to my sister-in-law, Michelle, because I know she can relate to me on this...

I was just listening to the Tony Kornheiser show (yes at 11pm, when else am I gonna TCOB?), and the gang unanimously agreed on the joy of their kids going back to school.  FREEDOM!!!! Right?  I say no.  Right now my whole atomic family is in PA while I'm in CO (back to the whole school thing).  I miss them all like crazy.  I know I sound like a major baby here, but the 2 days and 2 nights a week I have to be in school are making me miss the kiddos like crazy.  I keep thinking about what they're doing.  I love being with those two (and Erika too, for sure, but she's not around during the day because of the necessity of money for things like shelter and food).

I'm still about a year out from any school for Lydia and three years out for Elliott.  I can't imagine being excited or feeling liberated about my kids being away for the school-day.  I guess this is a little more serious than usual, but deal with it.  I've mentioned before that I feel crazy blessed to be able to spend almost every day with the kid-os.

I don't want to sound insane, but this year I have to come to terms with time away from those little pals when they actually want to hang out with me.  I trust about five people in the universe with them.  I guess the long-and-shorts are that I don't understand the celebration of time away from your kids.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm all for the occasional time of solitude or broheim time.  But these are limited activities...not all dayz, 3-5 times a week.  I'm not on board for home schooling, but that has nothing to do with a desire to be rid of my children for the day.

When Luda was born, I was pretty cautious, and wanted to shirk responsibility as much as possible.  But now (yes you can start a sentence with a conjunction now...embrace the future, literacy people I'm observing these days) it's a worthwhile responsibility to bear for the value of having time with those two.  I guess that's all.  I'm rambling now.  Guess what...that's right...deal with it.  Boom.

Consequences?

Lately I've been reading a crap-ton of comics.  Think what you will, I don't care.  For the most part, I shy away from the super-hero stuff.  But very recently I've been reading Invincible because it is written by Robert Kirkman who also writes The Walking Dead, which is one of my faves.  Mostly it's pretty dece.  Sort of a return to the Golden Age of comics.  Here's the major problem...

In the most recent story-line, the reader runs into a parallel universe in which the hero (Invincible) has not rejected his fater (omni-man)'s plan to take over the world, so they are working together instead of fighting each other.  (In advance, I apologize for the all-caps) I HATE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES!!!!  What a cop-out.  This happens to excess in Marvel and DC titles, which is part of why I stopped reading them as an elementary schooler.  Alternate universes are the worst form of story development.  Why should I care about any universe more than another?

Some of you may say, the same can be said of protagonists.  Why should anyone care about one protagonist over another?  But protagonists are different.  They're people...or animals...or concepts (Requiem for a Dream anyone?).  Alternate universes don't actually exist (or maybe they do. I'll need another post for that).  I know I'm failing to willingly suspend disbelief, but I was with you on aliens and superpowers and telekinesis and teleportation and all kinds of other stuff.  But stop with the alternate universes.  Here's why...

There are no commitments as a writer when you go to alternate universes.  Similarly, when you constantly bring characters back from the dead (Heroes?  Am I right?  That show killed itself with being unable to commit to anything actually happening.  So lame).  Here's a note to all authors out there...if something significant happens, have it actually happen for real.  If a character dies, they are dead.  It's not a parallel universe and they can't come back from the dead (Bible authors get an exception for this because they are talking about something that actually happened...if you disagree, so be it...I believe it).  And most of all...STOP USING DREAMS!!!!!  I am so tired of this.  Some of the worst offenders are The Sopranos, True Blood, Buffy, etc.  These are all shows I love, but you have to stop using dreams, because you can do whatever you want with no consequences for the actual narrative.  So lame.  Inception gets an exception because the events of dreams do have real consequences and inception rhymes with exception.

Ultimately, my point is this.  Storytellers need to stop wimping out.  As a private storyteller and consumer of stories I say, "Stop it.  If you don't stop, I will take away my willing suspension of disbelief and you will be forever banned from my viewing in any form.  Pllllllllllll.

Back on the Job

Hey Team...Erika's back at work, so I'm back on the full-time Father duty.  That was a short dang summer (although I guess it doesn't help that Erika went back to work a full month before summer is technically over (when is summer technically over?  I could look it up online, but I don't want to.  It's too easy to try to make yourself look informed on the internetz because you can look anything up (I wasn't using the general you there.  I'm talking to you specifically...not anyone else reading this...you can look up whatever you want...you...ewe))).  So since the summer is over for me, it's time for the...(wait for it)...ULTRA SUPER END OF SUMMER REVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA 2020 4-EVER!!!!! (aka the best of the summer list (i love lists so hard))

-Best Book I Read This Summer
Demons in the Spring by Joe Meno.  Perhaps this doesn't technically count because it's a short story collection, but I love short stories more than I love lists (which is a ton).  Meno brings his usual barrage of cowardly protagonists, inaction, missed opportunities and lack of closure.  Plus, there are sweet illustrations from great artists.  I really recommend Joe Meno.  I would not highly recommend reading a few of his books in a row.  Mix in some Harry Potter or something where the protagonist is not cripplingly unable to take any action that would make her/his life better.  But still, read Joe Meno.


-Best Movie I Saw This Summer

Micmacs.  This is also the best movie I've seen in my life.  It lacks all the subtlety of the best films, but it's so good.  Jeunet breaks no new ground here stylistically, but I love his style so who cares?  I don't!  Maybe you do.  What new ground have you broken lately?  That's what I thought.  Also, (SPOILER ALERT!  For real, you gotta see it before you read the next few lines.  If you haven't seen it, skip to the next best thing.  I won't explicitly say anything, but you'll put enough together.  Don't keep reading until you see it) as one who believes and (sometimes but not as much as I should) acts on non-violent resistance, I found it to be a refreshing homily on the value of non-violent resistance and the downright evil nature of all (yes, I said it, all) violence.

-Best Comic/GN I read this Summer
Essex County by Jeff Lemire.  I know I'm way behind the times, but as a reader of Sweet Tooth, I checked out Lemire's other work and was blown away by Essex County.  If you've ever wondered what growing up in rural Canada is like, I feel like this is the perfect picture (although I can't know that.  But really what can I know?  Right Descartes?).  As per my usual faves in lit, it is quite heart-breaking and beautiful.  And Lemire's art is so good.  It's incredibly amazing for an artist to dare have his beautiful women not conform to modern standards of beauty.  And his faces are so unique.  Check him out.

-Best New Album of the Summer
Sir Lucius Left Foot the Son of Chico Dusty by Big Boi.  I know it's the popular pick, but it's so good.  Big Boi's still got it.  I respect Andre more for branching out, but I appreciate Big Boi for bringing the stank from the durty.

-Best Experience of the Summer
Going to the new Target Field with David for the Twins/Rockies showdown.  Although the Twinks lost, so that was lame.  But it's a fantastic field.  I baked like a freakin' Baked Spaghetti (SPAGHET!) in the sun, but that's way better than lame metrodome.  Plus, you can sign up to be a DD and get a free pop.  I realize this doesn't include any of my family.  I also had loads of fun with them this summer.  Come on though, Target Field is a pretty unique experience.

Other Random Crap:
-Elliott is walking now and it rules.  He likes to walk around and pull stuff off the shelves and make stacks of it at the library

-My plan to phase out princesses for Lydia is kind of working.  She's really into dinosaurs and volcanoes now (but still princesses too.  So maybe we should have some princess dinosaurs...there's my million-dollar idea.  Don't steal it.  Princess Dinosaurs who live in an active Volcano that sell tacos out of a stand during the day and fight crime at night.  Boom!  Everybody's happy. (why do they fight crime?  Because they're princesses AND dinosaurs.  Duh.)

This is long so I'm done.  Enjoy.  I'll try to post every day so you will look, but if not, still look.  Or don't.  Also, I was totally going to give up on this until I got some encouragement from O.D.P., so thanks for that old boy.  I'm back in your face!

Sports!

The first matches of the World Cup are tomorrow!  Hooray!  This does, however, present me with a couple problems.  First, I will have conflicting tv schedules.

Most mornings, Elliott takes a nap while Lydia watches Dinosaur Train.  Throughout her life, Lydia has tried on a number of different tv shows.  Dora sucks because everybody shouts, and the only Spanish you learn is journey-related.  Kai-lan sucks because it is Dora, except you learn Mandarin instead of Spanish.  Elmo sucks because it's Elmo.  Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse is terrible, although it is tolerable only because Mickey always talks about his mouse-ke-tools and I always think, "You're a mouse-ke-tool."  Then I chuckle to myself.  But even this doesn't make it watchable.  Dinosaur train, though.  Come on.  You learn about dinosaurs, eras in earth's history, kindness, trains.  Come on.  Dr. Scott the paleontologist seems really friendly (I'd hang out with him.  Whenever the other guy tells the kids sobering facts like, "Fact: Dinosaurs did not play ice hockey," or "Fact: Dinosaurs did not put on acrobatic shows," Dr. Scott seems as disappointed as the kids and adds some other fun fact that cheers the kids up.  Plus he's a snappy dresser).  

Anyway, most World Cup matches will be in the morning, which means they will be on during Dinosaur Train.  On one hand, I want to be a nice dad and let Luda watch her show.  On the other hand, it's the freakin World Cup.  It comes only once a fourth-year (that's not a real expression).  Ultimately, I will watch the matches.  It will be a great opportunity to teach Lydia that sometimes we have to set aside what we like for other things that are much greater, even if we don't understand them or appreciate them.  Plus, Luda's good at asking questions about sports.  She loves watching basketball with me (although she cheers for the Lakers...boooo!  I think it mostly has to do with their jersey colors (and no, I do not believe this has to do with her gender (more on this in a future post).  At three years old, what other basis would she have for selecting a team?  Although it would be impressive, I do not expect her to say, "I'm going for the Suns because Steve Nash is a stellar role model in a league of selfish players, and the team has fantastic chemistry."))  So this will be great chance to teach her about soccer.  Hooray.

Other dilemma (you forgot about that, didn't you?)?  Some experts suggest that children Lydia's age shouldn't watch more than two hours of tv in a day.  With halftime, that's only one match.  Once a fourth-year and I'm supposed to prioritize one match per day?  That's not happening.  Good news, though.  A greater expert, espn.com page 2 writer Cam Martin said that sports don't count as tv-watching for kids.  I trust that (that's the good news about the internet age.  You can always find someone who will say what you want to hear...or maybe that's bad news.  I'm not sure).  

So we'll go with that.  Whatever I need to justify watching a crap-ton of soccer over the next month, right?

Stay at Home? Dad!

I sort of hate idioms.  I know (know? aren't you begging the question?...we'll get to that) language is relative, so I should embrace them.  For instance, I feel like I constantly hear people say, "...which begs the question..."  They mean it leads to the question.  Begging the question is a logical fallacy in which an unproved conclusion serves as a premise of an argument (such as stating that knowing language is relative as a premise instead of a conclusion).  Upon occasionally correcting such misuse, I have been told the incorrect use is an idiom, and I should get over it.  I know what you're thinking now.  "Since language is relative, in universe Z47, 'begging the question' was never a logical fallacy.  It was always another way of saying 'which leads to the question.'  Therefore you need to get over it."  No.  We are not in universe Z47.  We are in universe D286, which is a universe where begging the question is a logical fallacy.  The point of language is communication, and if I can't refer to an extremely well-established fallacy without the risk of equivocation, then there's no point to language.

What's the point, you ask?  A common expression for those of us who don't work so we can take care of our kids is Stay-at-Home Parent.  For me, this is a major misnomer.  I hate staying at home.  I don't hate hanging out with my kids.  But we always go do stuff.  It doesn't matter what.  I would literally volunteer for anything to avoid being stuck in the house.  For instance, if Erika called and said, "The Ministry of Health called and they need a family representative to go do our family's annual rectal exam," I would immediately volunteer to be the family representative.  It's something for us to go do.  I understand that this phone call would only take place in some sort of Orwellian dystopia (and even in that case, I'm not sure what purpose one member of a family representing their entire family's rectums would serve, but nightmarish future governments rarely make sense anyway)(also, how did Orwell get a corner on the dystopian reference market.  1984 is rad, but there are lots of other great works of a similar nature.  I've never heard a reference to a Huxleyian or Gilliamian (which sounds awesome) future.  It must be an American thing, because we're so afraid of communism.  Plus, how does it always refer to 1984?  What if I said Orwellian dystopia and I meant a future where animals ran the government?  I would have to explain myself, which defeats the purpose of such an expression.  Sheesh), but if it did, I would do it.

Here's the problem.  I don't know what to do with my kids when we just hang around the house.  I could teach them things, but I think that's best left to the suits in Washington.  So we go do stuff.  In the Denver library system, you can request items and have them delivered to your nearest branch.  Instead, we go to whichever branch where the item lives.  It's something to do.

I also don't enjoy "Full-Time Parent" because it implies that parents who work are not full-time parents.  My proposition?  Unemployed parent.  I know this doesn't work for parents who work part-time or something, but I don't.  I don't have any responsibilities other than my kids and the kitchen.  So that's it.  I'm an unemployed parent.

First!

Here's a new blog for you to possibly enjoy.  For about a year now, I've been hanging out with my kids.  None of us have a job, so we play together.  Perhaps you might dig some of the things that happen, and I will share them here.

I don't enjoy exposition, but this is the first post, so I can deal with it.  Why in your face!?  Because I don't have a job (I feel like I already said that) and I just hang out with my kids (4 realz, am I repeating myself?). So I want to rub it in your face how hilariously radical my life is.  Sure I'll complain on here, but ultimately things rule.  Plus, exclamation points rule, so I used one.  I'll probably use a lot!  Because they make you feel like I'm in your face!  Now you're thinking, "If you're going to use e.p.'s (that's hip slang for exclamation points.  I learned that from one of my most street-wise students (bt dubs, these parentheticals are not your thoughts.  That's why they are in parentheses)), why don't you grab the bulls by the horns and use ALL CAPS?"  Because I hate all caps.  I used to hate exclamation points, but I changed my mind!

Also, some people don't put their kids' names on their blogs for fear of something (I have no idea what).  This makes their blogs sound like they were written by robots (which they will be eventually.  It's only a matter of time.  (Speaking of which, I'm sort of looking forward to the robot uprising.  Sure it will end in the enslavement or elimination of the human race, but at least robots are sweet)).  Well, I'm not afraid (of sharing my kids' names, not the robot uprising.  I thought I made myself clear on that).  This isn't the Ancient Near East.  My kids are Lydia and Elliott.  I might put some pix on here, but I might not.  I guess we'll have to wait this one out.

So that's it.  I'll probably have a combo of anecdotes and ruminations.  So check me out!  I'm blogging again!  Which means I think I have something to say!  I probably don't!  But I'm doing it anyway!  With exclamation points!